stuff cubed plus one
A limerick to commemorate the five year anniversary of a most harrowing event:
Five years past a man upon a block,
Did slump yoked to his Mac in a shock.
But on the brink of despair,
He did slip from that snare
Though from his face it did cost him a lock.
This one starts with a cold open, one right out of the Vince Gilligan textbook, or maybe one from whoever directed that Firefly episode that opens with Mal sitting on a rock, naked, in the middle of a desert. Except this cold open is set exactly four years ago today, and the man isn’t in a desert on a rock, but is slumped over a desk, in a pose that is awkward and certainly unnatural, but mercifully fully clothed. He strains every now and then, each shuddering motion a little more urgent, a little more ragged, but also a little more resigned than the last. “That went well,” Mal quips in his opening, and this man would like to say this too, except he can’t really move his jaw without pain. It really hasn’t gone well either.
This man is me, and somehow, somewhy, I’ve become ensnared this day, strands of my then lavish beard held in a vice-like grip by my late 2011 Apple iMac’s DVD drive, the left side of my face now bound to the fate of this hunk of brushed aluminium and glass. I still really can’t believe what has happened to me right now, the grim realisation having swept over me and then retreated under the weight of improbability several times already in the minutes I have been yoked like this. It can’t be denied for much longer though—there’s logically, and literally, no escaping it.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been stuck for now; my eyes are trying to dart around to see if I can find my phone so I can call for help. Other parts of my brain are trying to come up with alternative plans of action, none of which seem potent. Call out for a neighbour to summon the fire brigade? Would they know what to do? Is there a specialised DVD drive rescue division? Would I appear in some five minute segment of one of those “World’s Craziest Rescues” that you might see on 7mate at 1am in the morning? Who would play me in the dramatic reconstruction? I always wondered who would play Magnum in a Magnum PI remake, but never who would play me getting rescued from the jaws of a DVD drive. There was a minor villain with a rocket launcher in a James Bond film who looked a bit like me. I wonder if he still acts? Maybe they could spice me up a bit. Tom Hardy might be a good choice. He is very beard capable and as a bonus he did star in a Star Trek movie as well, although unfortunately the worst one.
A quiet calm has also descended. I always thought that my death certificate would read “Hit by an ice cream truck” or similar. But no, I almost chuckle to myself now: it was always going to be this, affixed forever to the right side of a video display in my very own home office, a Wario Amiibo staring at me mockingly from the corner of a desk. At least they wil be able to say that I died doing what I loved: peering behind my computer so that I could try to insert a USB Type-A plug into the slot the wrong way. I was always good at this too.
Just before I’ve almost completely given in to this ultimate, irresistible state, I attempt one last, violent jerk of the head away. There’s a quick staccato series of sick popping sounds this time, and my head lurches suddenly away. I’m free—I think?—although it takes a little while for this to register. The only immediate sign of the trauma I’ve just endured are the couple of coarse whiskers now protruding from the side of the iMac’s malevolent chassis, two final hairy indignities. A more thorough inspection of the scene would also show some of my regular desk paraphernalia has also been disturbed, but you’d have to be intimately familiar with this environment to really notice, and I doubt anyone else would. One thing is for sure though: I’ll never forget just how fragile our attachment to this mortal coil is, or how strong a beard’s attachment to a disc drive can be.
Last year I decided that I should read more. Now by no means have I earned the modifier “prolific” in my reading, but last year I did read significantly more than usual. Here is what I read.
Hello everyone—I hope the new year finds all of my friends well and ready to make this year the most extraordinary ever.
Despite the arbitrary nature of where we decide to mark a date on a calendar and call it the start of the new year, I do tend to take the opportunity to make certain promises to myself. You might call them resolutions, but my resolve can be a little bit more ephemeral than that. Last year I decided that I should read more. Now by no means have I earned the modifier “prolific” in my reading, but last year I did read significantly more than usual. Follow me on Good Reads to keep up with me this year where I will be trying to read even more! As an interesting aside, about three quarters of the books on my reading list were read on a Kindle. I guess that means it works.
It’s been over a month now since the federal election and I just wanted to post a public thank you to everyone who voted for me and helped me out during the campaign.
It’s been over a month now since the federal election and I just wanted to post a public thank you to everyone who voted for me and helped me out during the campaign.
Thanks to your support I managed to poll 718 votes, or nearly one percent of the primary vote — a really pleasing result given the deficiency of lead time and tiny amount of campaigning. I can only hope that the secular message catches on, and we can pull even more votes next time, sending a signal that we are concerned with the increasingly emboldened radical religious movements within Australia and abroad, and that we are prepared to vote to keep Australia secular.
On election day I stood at the Pyrmont Community Centre polling booth, giving out how-to-votes. The words of support and acknowledgement that some of you gave to me were a great encouragement and I hope that I’ve helped your voices be heard.
In particular I’d like to thank Jay, Ian, Lyle, and Warren for helping distribute leaflets in the week leading up to the election as well as Erin for donating her time to stand in the firing line at a polling booth for a few hours. Also to Matt R, for the leaflet drops, discussions and helping out at Pyrmont on the day. To those of you who emailed me directly, such as Peter and Karen, your thoughts and well-wishes were very appreciated.
Lastly, but by no means at all least, to my darling partner Mandy, who put so much effort into leaflet dropping, organising the election party, constantly salving a doubtful soul, putting up with the sleepless nights, and everything else that she always does: you’re the best and I couldn’t have done it without you.
On a final note: I’m serving as the Membership Officer for the newly formed NSW branch of the Secular Party. We’re going to be driving for 750 NSW members so that we can be registered as an official political party in this state. If you’re at all interested in joining this important cause, please email me or watch this space.
One of the main objectives of my candidacy for this election is to promote the concept of secularism. I used to think that the word was generally well known and understood, but in the various discussions I’ve had recently it has become apparent that this is not the case.
One of the main objectives of my candidacy for this election is to promote the concept of secularism. I used to think that the word was generally well known and understood, but in the various discussions I’ve had recently it has become apparent that this is not the case. Given how important I think the secular state is for fair and effective governance, I find this lack of awareness alarming.